Ben introduces special guest Dennis Miller, who
"would like to say hi to you, the six to eight people out there who actually
watch this show." Recently canceled himself, Miller says Stiller's show "makes
me feel like Jimmy Arness, ratings-wise".
Three bachelors find an elderly gentleman on their
doorstep in "Three Men and An Old Man", a sequel to the other hit "Three
Men" movies. Crazy hijinks ensue as Ted Danson (Dick) fits the old man (Alvin
Hammer) with a toupee, Steve Guttenberg (Stiller) spoon-feeds him dinner and Tom
Selleck (Odenkirk) wrestles with the adult diapers. Worst of all, they are forced
to listen to the old man's long, boring stories ("And then...my prostate blew
up...I had the operation, but it got infected...LISTEN TO ME!")
An episode of the classic television series "Manson"
finds an idyllic family in the 1950s living on a farm with their pet, Manson (Odenkirk).
Manson is his usual self on the telephone: "You want to talk to Mrs. Wilson?
Why don't you want to talk to Charlie? You think if you don't talk to me, I'll go
away, but I can't go away because I'm not even here! I'm a ghost of a phantom of
a shadow in the heart of your children!" Little Timmy (Jeffrey Roth) and Manson
go hunting for toads, but Timmy is accidentally bitten by a snake. "I've been
bit, too, and I like it!" Manson says, "Truth don't play no favorites,
bite on that, Jack!" Manson runs home to tell Mr. and Mrs. Wilson (Dick and
Garofalo), and they somehow manage to understand his strange language. Timmy is saved
in time, and they all share a good laugh at Manson's odd behavior.
Dennis Miller compliments Stiller on his cast and
show, in his own back-handed way. He warns them not to get too funny, or "it
might be Hoffaville".
A casting agent (Garofalo) for "Beethoven"
interviews Al Pacino (Stiller) for the lead role. Pacino proceeds to improvise, going
so far as to kiss the stuffed dog: "I know it was you, Beethoven! You broke
my heart!" He has other ideas, such as throwing himself against a wall: "Go
ahead, frisk me! You wanna frisk me, Beethoven?"
A commercial for Ed's Clownwear , a parody of Levi's
"What Fits?" campaign, features a clown (Stiller) performing his beat poetry:
"Pie fits face, so throw it.
Seltzer fits bottle, so spray your baby down.
Floppy shoes fit feet, so wear them
And the dirty toes they adorn remind you of some clown you once knew
In some hot tent long ago.
Familiar as these baggy pants that fit like a glove
Like the bearded lady, coming back for more
Curved into the shape of a blimp, like they were custom-made
To do just that."
Danny Bonaduce (as himself) hosts "America's
Most Suspicious", which features people "we think are up to something...but
we're not sure". A dramatization of the case of Ed Janek (Dick) finds his neighbors,
the nasally and high-strung Tad and Laura Gradshaw (Odenkirk and Garofalo), relating
several disturbing incidents. The first occurred when Laura was working in the garden,
and she saw Janek running around outside his house naked. She then heard strange
music coming from Janek's house and saw him in the window in a tuxedo, singing opera.
Next, Janek began singing to a dead fish and frozen chicken while striking them against
each other. "Then he starts taking pictures," Laura continues, "Of
ME!" This prompts a hysterical Tad to run over to Janek's house, wielding a
golf club. Janek answers the door covered in feathers and insists he's been in the
basement all day working on pottery. "Pottery?!? What about the naked running
and the fish singing and the opera? You're a lunatic, you're freaking us out!"
The police refuse to help, saying Janek hasn't done anything illegal. "I guess
freaking your neighbors out is legal!" Tad retorts, before breaking down into
sobs. Bonaduce then follows up on other cases, including The O'Conners..."a
pair of first-class weirdoes who have their whole neighborhood freaked out".
Once again, the Gradshaws are featured to tell about how the O'Conners "just
sit in that car for hours, listening to square dance music". As Tad grows more
upset, the Gradshaws recite a prayer to calm themselves down.
Ben tells Dennis how much he enjoyed his talk-show,
and Dennis gives him advice on how to deal with cancellation. Ben wants to know if
Dennis has heard something, but Dennis is vague.
Sandra Bernhard (Dick) auditions for the role of
the coach in "The Mighty Ducks", a script she loved so much she licked
every page. She also improvises: "Look at you kids, my little bratskies! I love
you! I want to stick toothpicks in you and eat you like hors d'oeuvres!" She
completes her performance with a song and dance on the agent's table.
"The Pig Latin Lover's Ariety-Vay Ectacular-Spay"
finds Tito Gallegos performing with Rip Taylor (as himself) and the All-American
Football Team. He also sings a duet of "9 to 5" with Dolly Parton (Garofalo)--him
in Pig Latin, her in English. Susan Anton (as herself) stops by to borrow some bolt
cutters, but he'll only lend them to her if she asks in Pig Latin.
Dennis Miller starts giving Ben advice on how to
take charge of his show, so Ben gets rid of him.