A trailer for "A Few Good Scouts" finds
Tom Cruise (Stiller) investigating the case of Willie Santiago, who was hung by his
underwear from a flagpole by his fellow Cub Scouts. Demi Moore (Garofalo) plays the
Den Mother to the troop, and together they take on the powerful and arrogant Jack
Nicholson (Mick Lazinski). He warns them: "You want to investigate me? Roll
the dice and take your chances. I eat breakfast every morning with twelve fathers
who think I'm secretly touching their kids, so don't think you can come down here,
flash a Merit Badge and scare me." They also question a character played by
Kiefer Sutherland (Dick), but his accent renders him incoherent. A production of
Oscar-Craving Pictures, Cruise does his best to look serious in this very important
role.
The cast members are all upset that Ben brought
in an actor to play the Jack Nicholson role, and each one offers their own take on
how they would have done the impersonation. Bob does the famous "Here's Johnny!"
line from "The Shining", while Andy and John both offer their take on the
sandwich scene from "Five Easy Pieces". The best Janeane can do is say:
"I'm the guy from 'Terms of Enderment'."
Officer DeSipio of Essex (Stiller) and Lieutenant
O'Donohue of Loxley (John O'Donohue) answer a disturbing the peace call on "Cops
in Medeval Times". A drunken sorcerer (Dick) has accidentally turned his wife
into an ox and is creating a scene, blowing up things with his magic wand as he tries
to return her to her normal state. DeSipio explains: "A situation like this,
we'll apprehend the suspect and then we'll impound the wand, run a check on it...it
usually turns out it's hot." A note tied to an arrow tells the officers a domestic
disturbance is taking place nearby, and they leave to check it out. Another drunk
(Odenkirk) is trying to pull a sword from a stone, much to the irritation of his
wife (Garofalo) and young child. The officers manage to calm the man down and his
son ends up pulling the sword out and is transformed into the King. "I loosened
it for him!" the man protests. The officers head off, as DeSipio reccommends
O'Donohue use leeches to cure his "touch of the plague that's going around".
Tabitha Soren (Garofalo) hosts "Ben Stiller's
Music News", reporting on a trio of back-up singers named Vanilla Heat. Suing
the entire music industry for discrimanation are Val (Stiller), Kim (Odenkirk) and
Mosely (Dick). Convinced that men cannot get work singing back-up, the bitter threesome
have over 700 cases pending in court. A couple of defendants, Casey Kasem and Marky
Mark, appear as themselves to express their confusion. Dressed in spandex bicycle
shorts and goofy berets, the group is seen practicing their horrible act. None of
them can hit a note, but that doesn't stop them from storming Blind Jam Records and
trying to get an audition. "It's happening again," Mosely tells the camera
when the receptionist refuses to let them in and calls security. "Maybe we should
have worn our dresses!" Kim adds with disgust. The threesome try to stage a
sit-in, but are dragged out as they sing: "we will not move, till we get a break..."
"American Profiles" features Billybob
Hoyt (Odenkirk), a "high-tech hillbilly" who is "trying...to preserve
the hillbilly lifestyle by making it profitable." Billybob and his eighth cousin
Floyd (Stiller) have come up with such inventions as the Beard O' Matic to make facial
hair pointer and the Pick O' Matic 2000, which picks your feet clean, "leaving
your hands free to shoot flies away, smoke a pipe, whatever". They are also
working on a brand of non-alcoholic moonshine ("all of the kick, none of the
sick") and Feud Technology, where they hunt members of the Hatfield family.
Billybob is honored with The Golden Jug Award, and he explains: "I'm a hillbilly,
I'm a businessman...but mostly I'm just a guy who never understood the word 'cain't'."
Ben shows the cast a list of words they can say
on the air, now that they're on at 10:30 p.m.. The cast read over the list with considerable
excitement, continuing even when Ben asks them to stop.
"The Legend of T.J. O'Pootertoot" begins
with the first day of work for waitress Faith (Garofalo) at a restaurant where all
of the employees are required to wear bushy moustaches and push such food as "atomic
liver crisps" and "pudding shots". Faith inadvertently offends fellow
waiter Dwayne (Odenkirk) by relating how her boyfriend thought fake theme restaurants
were corny. "It isn't a fake theme," Dwayne replies tensely. The creepy
Manager (Stiller) keeps a intent gaze fixed on Faith as she deals with a difficult
customer (Dick). When she's asked what kind of meat is in "pooterballs",
she replies: "it's pooter-meat...with a taste that's oddly familiar." Dwayne
brags about all the "pooter-points" he's racking up by selling appetizers,
but Faith points out that all he gets with "pooter-points" is T.J.'s mustache
wax. "I know you didn't mean that," Dwayne replies edgily, then mutters,
"You should be more careful. If somebody overhears you, we could both get shipped
off to Pootertoot Spirit Camp!" The Manager tries to get Faith to join an "alley
rally"--where all the waiters band together and sing--but she claims she's too
busy. "We're having an alley rally," he replies stoically, and three waiters
band behind him. They begin to advance on Faith, backing her against the wall.
"Who's the best, East or West?" the Manager
chants.
"T.J. O'POOTERTOOT'S!" the waiters chime in.
"Where does the guest rest with zest?"
"T.J. O'POOTERTOOT'S!"
"Who always passes the fun-food test?"
"T.J. O'POOTERTOOT'S!"
Faith's boyfriend David (David Cross) bursts into
the kitchen just in time, holding the waiters at bay with an electric razor. Carrying
"The Book of Pooter," he explains to Faith that T.J. O'Pootertoot was a
member of the Donner party--the pioneers who were forced to resort to cannibalism
after being snowed in. "It's people!" David tells her. "Pooter-balls
are made out of people!" Faith manages to trim the mustache of the Manger, and
she and David escape the restaurant. A hysterical Dwayne reminds the Manager they
"need a female to repopulate with... T.J. must have a male heir. It is written!"
Luckily, a young woman comes up to apply for a job and is led back into the kitchen.
A commercial for Grady's Oats finds spokesman Wilford
Brimley (Dana Gould) doing his best Travis Bickle ("You talkin' to me?")
impersonation with his .38 caliber. When a baseball breaks through his window, he
snaps and begins shooting at the local kids.
As the show ends, Janeane thanks the rest of the
cast for always being respectful and supportive to her as the only girl. But when
Andy leaves to go to his trailer, he is follwed by catcalls and whistles. Vanilla
Heat are seen rehearsing a commercial jingle for soap as the credits end.
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= Skit transcript
= Quicktime video