CAST:
Ben Stiller Mark Decarlo
Bob Odenkirk Noah
Andy Dick Jebediah
Janeane Garofalo Beth
Joseph Medalis Chaperone (Beth's Father)
non-speaking Rebecca
non-speaking Suzy
non-speaking Deacon
MARK
Hey, welcome back to Amish Studs! I'm your host, Mark Decarlo. Today, we're
in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, the heart of Amish country.
Our two studs, Noah and Jebediah both have no hearts. But the game ain't over
yet. Let's do it!
Cartwheels to his seat.
Well, Noah, what would you say girls find appealing about you?
NOAH
Well, sir, I am a plain man. But if forced to choose one of my qualities,
I'd say my skill at mending a harness
MARK
[giggles]
It's always the quiet ones who're into the kinky stuff.
Ok, well we asked our three young ladies what they thought of their dates,
now, Noah..and this is what they had to say:
I Was Impressed With His Incredible Plowing Ability
Sounds interesting..ok..
He Really Knew How To Churn Butter
Ho-ho-ho. I'd like to hear more about that.
Ok, and finally,
He Was A Man Of The Land, And I Wanted To Get Dirty.
He-he-he!
Alright Noah, you know how we play the game-- you tell me who said what, I'll
give you one of these.
Holds up paper heart.
The stud with the most hearts at the end of the game gets to go on a dream
date with the girl of his choice, and we pay for it.
NOAH
Well, seeing as how the rules command it, um..."I was impressed with
his incredible plowing ability..." would be.. Beth.
MARK
Mmmm, Beth?
BETH
No, I did not say that.
MARK
Ok, what did you say, Beth?
BETH
I said, "He really knew how to churn butter."
Audience hoots. Beth cringes.
MARK
Ooo-hoo-ho-ho-ho! Woo-woo! Now hold on a second, what is it with this churning
butter thing? What, other guys can't churn butter?
BETH
No, sir, none of them posess the proper stamina.
Audience giggles knowingly.
MARK
Ahhhhh! Ouch, I know what you're talking about...let me tell you!
CHAPERON
Now, listen here, if you persist in nurturing these unclean thoughts, I will
end this dicussion, hitch up my buggy and deal with you in a most unpleasant manner!
MARK
Oh-ho-ooo-woh! Hey-hey! Take a chill pill, Lurch.
He's acting like I just installed electricity in his house.
Don't worry, the game's almost over.
Ok, it's time to find out who's the bigger stud.
Now, Jebediah..you and Noah both don't have any hearts, so the game's really
up for grabs. Who'd you choose?
JEBEDIAH
Well, I did not choose to continue courting Rebecca.. and I did not choose
Suzy...
So if it approved by the deacon, and her father..I would like to call on Beth
again.
MARK
Mmm. Altright! Well, Beth...alright, well. Ok, well if Beth picks you..where
are you going on your dream date?
JEBEDIAH
We'll take a buggy ride up to Hasome's Orchards, and have some fresh cidar.
MARK
Mmm-hoo. Sounds good. You'll both probably be parched after churning all that
butter.
Noah laughs.
What's so funny, Noah?
NOAH
After churning all that butter, I know of what you speak.
CHAPERON
Noah!
MARK
I'll bet you do.
NOAH
From what I heard there's plenty of butter.
MARK
Woo-hoo-ho-ho-ho!
Well, alright, why don't you pull together there, Noah, and tell us who you
chose.
NOAH
I did not choose Rebecca.
I did not choose Beth.
I chose Suzy.
MARK
Suzy! Why'd you choose Suzy?
NOAH
Because of her incredible body! It's forbidden fruit..and I'm a fruit fly!
Leaps to his feet
Chaperone:
Noah! Stop that! We are leaving here right now!
This is all your fault! You and all the other outsiders...why can't you leave
us alone?
Points at camera.
You, and your graven image-takers must go!
MARK
Well, they say the Amish people are dumb..but let me tell you something..I
think that's a load of fertlizer!
I'm Mark Decarlo, I'll see you next week on Amish Studs!
Puts on a fake Amish beard.
Mmmm...look at me, I'm Amish! I'm funny! Woo-woo-Amish-Amish-hey-hey! Hey
watch it, there little buddy. Woo! look at me, I ride a buggy and I have no buttons!
