Ben Stiller Mark Decarlo
Bob Odenkirk Noah
Andy Dick Jebediah
Janeane Garofalo Beth
Joseph Medalis Chaperone (Beth's Father)
Hey, welcome back to Amish Studs! I'm your host, Mark Decarlo. Today, we're
in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, the heart of Amish country.
Our two studs, Noah and Jebediah both have no hearts. But the game ain't over
yet. Let's do it!
Cartwheels to his seat.
Well, Noah, what would you say girls find appealing about you?
Well, sir, I am a plain man. But if forced to choose one of my qualities,
I'd say my skill at mending a harness
It's always the quiet ones who're into the kinky stuff.
Ok, well we asked our three young ladies what they thought of their dates,
now, Noah..and this is what they had to say:
I Was Impressed With His Incredible Plowing Ability
He Really Knew How To Churn Butter
Ho-ho-ho. I'd like to hear more about that.
Ok, and finally,
He Was A Man Of The Land, And I Wanted To Get Dirty.
Alright Noah, you know how we play the game-- you tell me who said what, I'll
give you one of these.
Holds up paper heart.
The stud with the most hearts at the end of the game gets to go on a dream
date with the girl of his choice, and we pay for it.
Well, seeing as how the rules command it, um..."I was impressed with
his incredible plowing ability..." would be.. Beth.
No, I did not say that.
Ok, what did you say, Beth?
I said, "He really knew how to churn butter."
Audience hoots. Beth cringes.
Ooo-hoo-ho-ho-ho! Woo-woo! Now hold on a second, what is it with this churning
butter thing? What, other guys can't churn butter?
No, sir, none of them posess the proper stamina.
Audience giggles knowingly.
Ahhhhh! Ouch, I know what you're talking about...let me tell you!
Now, listen here, if you persist in nurturing these unclean thoughts, I will
end this dicussion, hitch up my buggy and deal with you in a most unpleasant manner!
Oh-ho-ooo-woh! Hey-hey! Take a chill pill, Lurch.
He's acting like I just installed electricity in his house.
Don't worry, the game's almost over.
Ok, it's time to find out who's the bigger stud.
Now, Jebediah..you and Noah both don't have any hearts, so the game's really
up for grabs. Who'd you choose?
Well, I did not choose to continue courting Rebecca.. and I did not choose
So if it approved by the deacon, and her father..I would like to call on Beth
Mmm. Altright! Well, Beth...alright, well. Ok, well if Beth picks you..where
are you going on your dream date?
We'll take a buggy ride up to Hasome's Orchards, and have some fresh cidar.
Mmm-hoo. Sounds good. You'll both probably be parched after churning all that
What's so funny, Noah?
After churning all that butter, I know of what you speak.
I'll bet you do.
From what I heard there's plenty of butter.
Well, alright, why don't you pull together there, Noah, and tell us who you
I did not choose Rebecca.
I did not choose Beth.
I chose Suzy.
Suzy! Why'd you choose Suzy?
Because of her incredible body! It's forbidden fruit..and I'm a fruit fly!
Leaps to his feet
Noah! Stop that! We are leaving here right now!
This is all your fault! You and all the other outsiders...why can't you leave
Points at camera.
You, and your graven image-takers must go!
Well, they say the Amish people are dumb..but let me tell you something..I
think that's a load of fertlizer!
I'm Mark Decarlo, I'll see you next week on Amish Studs!
Puts on a fake Amish beard.
Mmmm...look at me, I'm Amish! I'm funny! Woo-woo-Amish-Amish-hey-hey! Hey
watch it, there little buddy. Woo! look at me, I ride a buggy and I have no buttons!