Episodes: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13		Ben Stiller Officer Ramses Desipio John O'Donough Lieutenant Osiris O'Donohue Bob Odenkirk Moses Andy Dick Man with golden calf Janeane Garofalo Sarah, woman with golden calf RIOTOUS GATHERING 1441 B.C. 3:15 pm Red Sea Beach OFFICER RAMSES DESIPIO Yeah, this is a pretty routine call for Red Sea Beach, y'know...we get these calls, say six or seven times a week. Basically some religious fanatics, ya'know, claiming they're the Chosen People, attempting to defy the laws of nature in some way. LIEUTENANT OSIRIS O'DONOHUE Yeah..it's too bad. This used to be a good neighborhood. DESIPIO Yeah..lot of bad elements. They hear yelling. O'DONOHUE Geez, there's the nut now! DESIPIO There he is! Alright, let's go! Let's go, Johnny! Officers come upon Moses on a cliff, staff upraised. MOSES Behold! The hand of God! Let the waters part for the children of Israel! O'DONOHUE Yo! Show's over! DESIPIO Hey, meistro...over here..come over here! MOSES What? What do you want from me? DESIPIO Come'ere! Alright, what's going on here, huh? MOSES I am parting the Red Sea. O'DONOHUE You got a permit for that? MOSES Yes... O'DONOHUE Hey, cough it up. DESIPIO Ya got a permit? MOSES I mean.. no...the Lord has it. He has commanded it. O'DONOHUE Yeah, right. DESIPIO Yes, or no, are you trying to part the sea? 'Cause we got it, ok? We saw you, alright? MOSES Yes and no. The answer is yes and no. DESIPIO Listen to me.. come'ere! Ok, you've got about 40,000 people on the other side of that ridge, right? Are you gonna tell me that you're responsible for each and every one of them? 'Cause someone so much as litters, ok...I gotta take you in. I'm telling you, you're starting to get on my nerves, alright? O'DONOHUE Hey, take a look at what I found! Can you believe this guy? DESIPIO What's this? What're these about? MOSES In the name of the Lord, leave those alone. O'DONOHUE Hey, we got a burning bush over here! Sees couple running carrying a golden calf. Hey, where you going? Get back here! MAN Run, Sarah, run! DESIPIO Ok, listen, I'm gonna give you one more shot to take these people, turn them around and take it back where you came from, ok? MOSES I implore you to heed me! The blood of the Hebrews will make no more mortar for the Egyptians! DESIPIO Hey, pops. Listen to me, I don't care about that, alright. All I'm saying is that you can't be here right now, ok. You can't be here. MOSES But you... DESIPIO No-no-no..No buts, alright. That's it. You gotta take it...move it out. Ok? Cut to O'Donohue chasing couple carrying calf. O'DONOHUE Hold it! Hold in the name of Ramses! MAN Run, Sarah! O'DONOHUE Hold it I said! Where you going? MAN Sarah, don't listen to him! O'DONOHUE Why you running, huh? SARAH We worship the golden calf! O'DONOHUE I thought you worshipped your buddy parting the water back there. Where did you get the calf? MAN Found it. SARAH Made it. O'DONOHUE Found it? Made it? What? MAN We found the materials...and made it with..what we found. O'DONOHUE Get up the hill! He whips the woman. SARAH Oh! He whips the man. O'DONOHUE ...I'm too old for this! MAN Ow! <Beep> Don't beat Sarah! Don't you beat..ooow! O'DONOHUE Get up that hill! Get up the hill! cut to Moses and Desipio. MOSES But you've got to understand where I'm coming from. DESIPIO Hey-hey-hey, you want to hear where I'm coming from? I gotta chase you around all day. You think I like that, eh? MOSES I'm warning you, do not anger the Lord, our God. O'DONOHUE Let me tell you something, your pal here says you've been drinking while prophesizing. That's a felony, my friend. DESIPIO That's right, Popeye. MOSES You have been warned! (raises staff, thunder and lightning) O'DONOHUE Why don't you take a year and let's go build some pyramids, buddy... He disappears in a puff of smoke. DESIPIO What the...? Oh, holymothera... MOSES Who will be next to feel the Lord's wrath? MAN He must be the chosen one! The Lord speaks through Moses! DESIPIO Alright, this guy, he's obviously hopped up on something. So I'm gonna go ..uh..messenger for backup. We'll get him locked up, but, uh..sad thing is, in about 48 hours, he'll be back out here doing the same thing. That was my partner, so..uh. Yeah well, you know, that's part of the business. I'm getting the <BEEP> out of here.